The Internet: Do You Know Where Your Child Is?

by Lynne Schalman, Faculty Technology Trainer, The Chapin School

Bullying, inappropriate or unkind behavior, passing cruel notes, risk-taking - all have been rites of passage for children and teenagers for generations. The growth of the World Wide Web, however, has increased the potential impact of these behaviors exponentially. While the media continues to sound the alarm about children's use of instant messaging, chat rooms, blogs, and a plethora of Web sites designed to reveal intimate details of every teenager's life, parents still need to become involved in their children's use of technology.

A recent news special on Internet safety concerns underscored the central issue: the disconnect between adult and child. A group of middle school children assembled to discuss Internet safety. When asked if they had been approached online in an inappropriate way, all raised their hands "yes." When asked if they had informed their parents, not one raised a hand. This response is telling. The children feared parental displeasure and additional supervision more than the unwanted advances of strangers.

What can adults do to cross this divide? Both parents and teachers must be more proactive in learning about these issues and addressing the potential for problems. Schools should offer Internet safety newsletters and meetings for parents. Parents need to take time to investigate their children's online activities: what are their primary destinations; what games are they playing; what Web sites do they frequent?

Most importantly, parents need to appropriate technology to defuse any mystery. They can use their children as teachers, leading them through the Internet maze. Before they embark on this journey, however, there are some definitions that need to be understood.

Instant Messaging

Instant Messaging (IMing) is online chatting in real time. Most IMing uses downloaded software, such as AOL Instant Messenger. But a child does not need an AOL account to IM because the software is free. Children create a user name and a buddy list of acceptable "chattees." After signing in, users can see which of their buddies are online and available to chat. Chatters can have private conversations or group conversations, similar to a conference call.

What are the problems with IMing? First, there is the time waste syndrome; chatting becomes a convenient way to avoid homework. Second, there is the possibility of unknown "buddies" being added to the list. Third, students become easily distracted by the constant presence of IM windows.

As a word to the wise, parents should be aware of some of the acronyms children use when they IM, such as "LOL" (laughing out loud), "BRB" (be right back), "POS" (parent over shoulder) or "P911" (parent alert).

Chat room

In a chat room, groups of users carry on a typed conversation in real time. Different Web sites sponsor chat rooms, and some are moderated. Participants type in their comments and responses, which then appear on a computer screen for all to see.

There are things parents can do to understand the workings of chat rooms. Create an alias with your child, and use it to enter a chat room. Reinforce basic rules. Do not let your child enter chat rooms that are not moderated. Get to know your children's cyberfriends. Remind your child that chat rooms are public places; for instance, many spammers (purveyors of electronic junk mail) use names they easily collect from chat rooms.

Blog

A blog is an online journal or diary. Bloggers, both children and adults, post daily entries detailing events in their lives and their thoughts, secrets, and opinions. Frequently bloggers become part of a blogging community, linking their pages to each other, posting their IM names and their e-mail addresses, and commenting on each other's revelations. Many blogs contain pictures of the blogger and his or her friends.

A new blog is created every minute; as of summer 2005, there were over six million blogs. The majority of bloggers are teens and young adults. (90 percent of those with blogs are between 13 and 29 years old; 51percent are between 13 and 19.)

So what is the concern? Some blogs reveal far too much information, turning a private event into a public posting. Many teenagers reveal intimate details about their sexual history, daily activities, and the lives of their friends, family, and teachers. Teens tend to reveal more personal details on blogs than in chat rooms.

To get a taste of blogging, check out these sites which offer free blogs: www.blurty.com, www.xanga.com, www.livejournal.com, www.bloggers.com, www.deadjournal.com.

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying is simple bullying writ large. It can take many forms. Cyberbullies can and do use e-mail to send harassing and threatening messages. They can steal passwords to protect themselves by sending unkind notes using another student's account, or using another student's account can be a form of cyberbullying. Cyberbullies can create Web sites that mock, torment, and harass others. This torment can be in the form of a blog, a bash board (an online bulletin board), or a rating Web site (which involves defamatory or unkind personal polling).

What makes cyberbullying so easy? This is an interactive world away from adult supervision; home is no longer a refuge from cruelty or peer pressure, and, conversely, anonymity creates freedom from responsibility or empathy. What should be the response to cyberbullying? Advise your children to keep a record of all e-mails or Instant Messages. Tell them that if they receive harassing messages they should tell someone; they should not reply, and certainly should not reply in anger. They should change their e-mail address, if possible, or block the sender.

Social Networking Sites

On these Personal Profile Pages (such as www.myspace.com and www.friendster.com), children list personal information including their schools, their friends, their interests, etc. Some go beyond this basic information by including inappropriate photos, frank sexual discussion, and intimate details about their lives and their families. While many of these sites require the user to be at least eighteen years old, this requirement is rarely enforced.

Helping Your Child to be Safe

Children need to be fenced in, and parents can do so in ways appropriate to each age group.

When their children are new to the Internet, parents should agree with them on rules for online safety. These rules should be posted by the computer. (A model for online safety rules is provided at www.safekids.com/kidsrules.htm.) Parents can create a list of safe favorites to provide specific Web resources for schoolwork and resource projects, including child-safe index pages and search engines. (See www.sldirectory.com/searchf/kidsafe.html for a list of "kid safe" search engines.) Also, parents should surf sites one-on-one with their children to discuss appropriate uses and activities.

Parents should learn how to examine a Web browser's "history" files, if they are concerned about Web sites visited by their child. Be aware of the computer desktop, start menu, or applications folder for suspicious programs. Search for .jpg and .mp3 files to find inappropriate photos and illegal music downloads. Further, be aware of all your child's e-mail accounts; your child may have other e-mail accounts of which you are not aware. Remind your child to keep passwords private.

A recent study conducted by the Center for Missing and Exploited Children revealed that many parents do not know or are not sure if their teens talk to strangers online, and many allow their teenagers to use the computer in private areas of the house. It is advisable early on to place the computer in an easily monitored area.

Discuss with your child the types of information that should never be divulged on the Internet. Advise them to avoid entering any personal information to people met online - especially in public places like chat rooms and bulletin boards, or even contests. Such information includes name, age, school, address, phone number, pictures, financial information, passwords, siblings' or parents' names, sports participation or any other extracurricular activities, friends' names or any other personal information. Remind them never to plan a face-to-face meeting alone with online acquaintances (male or female) or to respond to offensive or dangerous e-mail, chat or message board communications.

It will be helpful if you plan ahead with your child to anticipate and deal with certain scenarios. For instance, pose the following "what if" scenarios:

• someone asks for personal information or makes you feel uncomfortable?
• a Web site asks for personal information? (Note that new legislation protecting children now exists.)
• an e-mail has an attached file?
• you are "flamed" (receive negative responses back to something you've said or done in a chat room or message board)?

The basic ground rule? Children should be told to tell parents or teachers about any online behavior that makes them feel uncomfortable.

It's Not Just Safety, It's Netiquette

Online etiquette should be no different than offline etiquette. It is too easy to be unkind online, so discuss with your child the consequences of online bullying and other inappropriate activities. Stress kindness. Tell your child to obey the "Read it Aloud Rule"; this might prevent hasty (and nasty) e-mails being sent off in an act of anger or unkindness. Remind them that e-mails can easily be made public by being forwarded to others; they can even be altered and then forwarded with unintended content.

Helpful Web Sites

There are many sources to help parents navigate the Internet. Here are just a few helpful Web sites:

• www.americalinksup.org bills itself as a kids' online teach-in with links to two safe surfing discussion boards, videos on safe surfing, safety tips, and links to kid-friendly sites.
• www.isafe.org provides monitored chats and message boards for children and teens, lesson plans for safe surfing, and an Internet safety e-mail newsletter.
• www.safekids.com provides a free e-mail newsletter on safety tips, child safety articles, a family contract for children and parents to sign and post on the computer, guidelines for parents and children, directories of filtering software and ISPs (Internet service providers) and www.Safeteens.com.
• www.getnetwise.org provides an online safety guide, very helpful links to Internet safety products, sites for reporting problems, and an Internet glossary.
• www.chatdanger.com provides information about IMing and chat rooms.
• www.cybersmart.org provides a complete K-8 cybersmart curriculum, and includes Internet safety tips for parents.